The List

General Conference starts tomorrow.  When I was a child I loved to watch because of the way it made me feel.  As a teenager though I sat listening making an impossible list of things I needed to improve.  It became discouraging after making the list and then failing at trying to change everything.  It was like making a bunch of New Year's Resolutions twice a year.

Now I approach it in a more satisfying way.  First I buy about 150 mini candy bars. (I don't eat all of them myself.)  Then I get my comfortable clothes on, a pencil and paper.  Then I say a prayer to hear the one thing I should work on for the next six months and enjoy the rest.  For me the decision to approach it in this manner has made my experience so much more enjoyable.

The speakers are inspiring and the spirit of the meetings are full of love and appreciation.  I admit I have my favorites, but it's also nice when someone I'm not familiar with shares a message.  I love conference and someday would like to go and sit in the conference center.  I want to live a gospel centered life, but I'm only a child still.  Watching, learning, listening, feeling and hopefully changing for the better.

Time/Relationships

I'm at a point today where my want to do list out reaches my energy.  Time for me is always too short.  I have this on going list that never ends.  I'm never board because I create more to do.  I can easily spend time doing chores and be happy.  I can wander a store with my daughter and not buy anything and be happy.  I can rock the baby and snuggle and be happy.  I can drive to no place in particular and be happy.  Unfortunately most days are filled with long lists of things to do and places to be.

In the over all picture though I think the best use of my time is with the people I love.  Pulling weeds with my children afforded me time.  Time to do a chore, feel the earth in my hands and be with my children.  Sometimes they were not too happy to be there, but after a while they would settle in and do the job.  It was nice to chat and just be.  Sometimes it was very warm and they couldn't get  it done soon enough.  But it was still time.

Last winter I was out back pulling some weeds and Kristopher came out to find me.  Soon he was helping me and we had a very good conversation.  I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember how it felt.  I was glad to be there. 

I hope I can find more opportunities to be available to those I love.  They are all so wonderful and unique.

Shrinking My Bubble

Some how I started out my married life with a rather large bubble.  You know that space that you are uncomfortable with when someone sits in it or stands in it.  I don't know if I was born with it or I developed it along the way.

I started noticing it after I had Dawn.  I could only handle having so much cuddle time, or in my space time.  After being pregnant several times I realized that I also had a I just want to be just me bubble.  Couldn't I just sit the baby next to me for awhile and quite the involuntary movements?  I started trying to find ways to shrink my bubble.  The hardest times seem to be when I was sitting in church and 3 or 4 of my children were crawling all over me.  I loved them, I just wanted my space.

Over the years I have had several opportunities to serve as a teacher, or a leader in different capacities.  That was when I discovered that I could shrink my bubble by reaching out and touching others when I didn't feel overwhelmed.  My bubble has shrunk considerably over the last 30 years.  I love cuddling and very rarely do I feel overwhelmed.  When I was pregnant with Julia I knew it would be the last time and I learned to enjoy every last kick and jab.  Having a small child come up and hug me is awesome.  Sometimes I even think I hug others and get into their bubbles.  I really  try hard not to though.  I still remember how uncomfortable it can be.

1 cent for 1 weed

When my children were small, they wanted to earn money.  So when I pulled weeds I would pay them 1 cent per weed with a root.  What they soon discovered was that they could pull 100 very small weeds quicker than they could pull 100 larger ones.  This actually worked out pretty well for me.  Pulling the smaller weeds kept them from becoming bigger weeds.  Also it kept smaller children from pulling the tops off of weeds they were too small to pull the roots of.  I just hate trying to pull a weed that had a very small top and a huge root because it's been chopped off previously.

I've discovered this works for most things that have to be done.  Six children and one mom can clean a room pretty quickly if each person only picks up 10 things and puts them away.  Pretty soon they discovered it was faster to pick up 10 pieces of trash and throw them away, or 10 pieces of laundry in front of the washer than a variety of things that I might have to redistribute later myself because it took too long for them to do. 

I am in the midst of sewing Julia a choir dress.  Part of this lesson for me has been.  Yesterday I washed and dried the fabric and read the pattern.  Today I cut out the pieces.  Tomorrow I will sew it together until the point where she can try it on and I can adjust the fit.  Hopefully by Friday we will have a finished dress. 

Just a little here and a little there, it all adds up eventually into a bigger picture. One hundred pennies equals a dollar, etc...  Also every little bit of assistance is appreciated. Something done by someone else is something I don't have to do. Thank you.

Horse Feathers!

Recently I heard the expression "Horse feathers" in a restaurant.  The older woman who used it was very cute.

I've heard lots of words used as exclamation points. Most of them make me cringe a little inside but this one made me smile.  My children have substituted similar words in places where others might use words that were more harsh.  The problem being the words they chose were similar sounding to the more popular words and sometimes if you are not listening carefully you might miss interpret.  There was no mistaking what the woman in the restaurant said.  It was so refreshing.

Over the years I have worked or just been places where the words used were harsh, crude or just not acceptable.  Generally I've chosen to be else where.  For awhile I heard the one that uses my Heavenly Father's name or his son's name as punctuation.  Then one day I caught myself right before I used that term myself.  I was surprised that I had even thought it, let alone used it.  I thought I had pretty good control over what came out of my mouth, but having heard it repeatedly it had snuck into my vocabulary. 

As I thought about it, I remembered that it is one of the big 10.  I would never consider killing anyone, so I should be capable of keeping an everyday commandment, like not using the Lord's name in vain.

I have since tried not to use words as punctuation.  If I need to though, I think horse feathers would be just fine.

What If?

If I could pick a theme song this would be it.  It is by Julie de Azevedo.

What If

What if I  loved the skin I'm in
Focused on beauty from with in
What if my spirit and my body lived in harmony
What if my grass was always green
Greener that any field I've seen
What if I celebrated the garden right in front of me

What if I loved the man I'm with
Not who he'll be but who he is
What if it loosed up the soil for more love to grow
What if I let my children be
Just who they are not what I need
What if I watched in wonder as their tender wings unfold


What if I laid the past to rest
Looking ahead not looking back
What if I savored every moment like it was my last
What if I wanted what you bring
Didn't long for the next big thing
What if I only lived the the peace and not for the thrill

What if I loved the life I'm living
What if I only wanted what I've been given

What if I gave you all my heart
Didn't hold back the slightest part
What if I lay it on the alter of your will

Driving tired

For 10 years on and off I worked nights.  Jack in the box, and then a long list of various paper routes.  During that time I learned some things about myself and driving tired.

I know I'm too tired when the light changes and my response time is lagging.  When I'm stopped at a stop sign waiting for it to change.  When I'm having trouble remembering what street I'm on or where I'm going, or better yet, where am I?.

Several things I learned is pulling over and doing 10 jumping jacks will give me 20 minutes of clear thinking.  Pepsi and Hostess cupcakes will perk me up enough to get me home.  Taking a short cat nap on the side of the road with the car, radio, and air conditioning all running.  This works great until a policeman decides to check to see if your ok and knocks on your window.  I was napping in the middle of no where, scared me to death almost. Then the adrenaline really is flowing.

Cristal was driving home last weekend and she called to chat so she would be more alert.  She and I had a nice chat while she wound her way through the Utah mountains home.

I'm sure there are more tricks, but my best advice is just be rested and aware when driving.

Atmosphere and Feelings

There are many ways to create atmosphere but here I just want to talk about music.

Years ago when we started having foster children I realized that I could not handle the music that they introduced into our house.  It felt really dark and oppressive.   In trying to be fair I asked them to not play their music so others could hear it and I stopped playing mine except in my car.  After we stopped fostering I had just gotten out of the habit of having it in our home.

Then one day I was cleaning and I just put on some music that I loved.  The house house seemed to feel fun.  I decided then that I needed to have uplifting music.  So then I started collecting music that made me feel good.  Some of it is Country, Jazz, New Age, Old Rock, and whatever Cake is.  There is some religious, romantic, soft, loud,  and just fun stuff.  I try to stay away from the angry, hate filled, depressing, roll in pity, or extra sad stuff.  I also try to avoid music that I would not want my grandchildren singing.  Small children singing suggestive words just bothers me.

I love music. I love to sing.  I love to direct (especially children, we are singing for grandparents on Sunday).  I love to try to play it on instruments.  I love to dance to it.  I love to watch others perform with it.  It is a great way to create good feelings when the rest just feels heavy.  Music is a great way to brighten any day.

Light or Darkness?

I recently finished reading a book called "The Message".  I enjoyed it but it started me thinking and considering the experiences that I have had and the experiences that people I know have had.

Several times I have had the opportunity to be present when someone passes from this life to the next.  Also I have several friends who have died and been brought back.

One did not believe there was anything after death and experienced only a peaceful darkness.  Another had a very special conversation with someone she loved.

There is a line of thinking that states that you only will find what you hope for.  So if you only hope for this life and don't look for a light, will you just rest in the peaceful darkness?  If you know to look will you find more?

Lately there seems to be controversy over believing and hoping.  I believe what Alma taught.  Faith is a seed that you plant.  When you act upon that hope, feelings and experiences strengthen that faith.  Then you hope for more growing and increasing your faith as you act on those things hoped for.  If someone doesn't want to believe, I'm fine with that.  I just don't understand why be upset over what some else believes or not?

Moses tried to get his people to look, just look, at a staff and be healed.  It was not hard but there were those who refused to even raise their eyes and peek.

Is this life not made better by believing that loving each other is the way to happiness?  Hopefully I can continue to learn how to love.  If I can encourage someone to hope for something better that might be OK too.

Pride or Fear?

There's something about food and parties I just don't get about myself.  I've been thinking about it the last few days.

When I was Relief Society President I had no problem asking for help.  Funerals, new babies, families at Christmas,  the ladies of my ward just stepped right up and filled the need.

Now let me throw a reception for one of my girls and I just can't seem to get it together about the kitchen.  I had lots of offers to help and I just say thank you.  I don't know why.  Everyone is so willing.  I'm worry that I might be asking too much.

This time I did ask several people and they came through, so I thought I was doing better.  Then I stood in the receiving line and worried.  Was I working them too hard?  The forks were not where they could be found, so the cut cake was delayed.  Thank you Heidi for checking on the progress of the cake.  Denise and Jenea came through the line and asked if I needed anything.  I asked them to check the kitchen and they stayed. I'm afraid I ran my best friend Pamela ragged and her husband more than anyone.  I  worried about Chelsey and Kerry and Julia helped her.  It's not that I don't want help I'm just so ???  I hope the guests had a good time but it was only because my friends stepped in and filled in the gaps.

My heart is full and hopefully I'll figure this one out before I have to do it again.

Little glimpses of Heaven

The sunrise on September 15, 2011, looking at the Superstition mountains at 6:30, the light and clouds were perfect. 

The giggle of a baby over the soft feel of cat's fur.

The cat climbing my jeans to see if he can help with the dishes.

Girls giggling while they do hair and makeup.

Clear spring water falling over rocks.

Boys working together to complete a project or just playing games.

A daughter standing between the two men she loves the most.

Faces that glow with the joy of knowing.

Snow falling from the sky softly in the silent forest.

A boy playing with his dog.

My husband's hand holding mine.

The smile two people exchange when they read each other's minds.

The sound of the wind through pine trees.

Fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

The unexpected hug.

The sound and feel of a 454.

The song or remembrance that brings to mind someone you love.

...

That darn mirror!!!

While preparing for Emilee's wedding I had to go to the store.  There I tried on a piece of clothing.  Let me tell you I did not like what I saw. Maybe I should explain.

Mirrors have not been a big part of my life.  When I started having babies the mirror in our apartment only showed my face.  A little rounder.  We lived in Texas and let me tell you straight, straggly hair does not do well in high humidity.  When we moved back to Arizona we still only had that bathroom mirror only a little wider.  It was ok, my hair was a little more manageable. 

Somewhere in time my mental image of myself is frozen.  I'm ok, not too round, not too skinny, pretty ordinary.  Mirrors change all that.  Last year I took the bathroom mirror down to the glass shop and had them cut it down.  I did not want to see myself when I stepped out of the shower.  I feel much better with decorative fabric covering.  Mirrors show me the sparkly hairs popping up all over.  They remind me that I should pop in and take a look before I run out the door with mascara lines under my eyes, or lipstick on my teeth. 

Mirrors can be useful, but let me tell you the discomfort I felt at the store made me want to run the other direction.  I've always been a believer that if you felt good you are fine.  I try to apply that to myself as well.  Funny thing I don't think about how much someone weighs until they drop a lot of weight and then I only hope they are well.

Needless to say I did not purchase anything. 

Perspective, mine or yours?

A weed to me may not be a weed to you, or vise versa.  A few years ago a man in Apache Junction was told to get the weeds out of his front yard.  It was covered in beautiful desert wild flowers.  I thought, "What are they thinking?". When I started pulling the weeds last month I was thinking about how could we just keep mowing down this mess.  But when it was mowed it did look nice and green and filled in.  With the tops off, from the street it just looked green. 

I grew up with family members that smoked.  It just was how it was.  Over time the majority of them have quit and it is unpopular with most of the people I know.  Well a few years ago I had the opportunity to go and visit my dad.  I took Benjamin and Julia with me.  My dad is a chain smoker and I wanted to prepare them because we don't smoke in our home.  I wanted them to be polite and to understand that we all  choose and that we would be visiting HIS home.  He's been smoking since he was a teenager and for him it's just part of his life.  I have discouraged my children from smoking for various reasons but I still want them to respect others.

I love to swim.  When I was little we swam in ditches, cow ponds, lakes, rivers, and sometimes even pools.  I have met others who would never think about getting in water that had chemicals in it, manure, fish remains, ect.  Now that I'm older some of these places have become unacceptable to me for swimming in.  Knowledge has helped me see the weeds more clearly.

So I guess a weed is what you see it as.  That may change over time, but beware some weeds are out to get you.  Once you learn something is a true weed you should pull it.  I love my dad, but smoking does make his life harder, and it's roots run deep.  I really would like him to be with us as long as possible.

What's In A Name?

When I was born my parents let my Nonnie name me Ginger.  For the most part I've liked my name.  At first in school it was an easy name to tease but it didn't seem to bother me too much so it just stopped.  Because of my name I was very careful when naming my children, trying to stay away from names that others could use to be unkind.  Didn't work, people are either kind or not.  When they are not they can be very creative in what they can smear a name into. 

As I grew older and married I acquired other names and the use of Ginger dropped off.  There were even a few years where I heard it very seldom.  I didn't even realize it until one day in the church hallway someone called me Ginger.  I was so surprised that someone knew my given name.  I had been Sister Gillespie to everyone at church.  Mom was my name for those who were born into our home.  Judy is the name my mother calls me.  (It is a complement, Judy is her favorite sister)  Who was the name my future mother in law knew me as.  (My boyfriend's sense of humor)  Bounce to my best friend in high school. I had trouble just walking up the stairs at school.

I love to hear my name when my husband uses it, which isn't often by the way.  I'm more frequently called WOMAN,  a term of endearment.  Some women find it demeaning but I like being his woman.

The last 13 or so years I've been grandma Gillespie.  It makes me think of Mike's mom who I'll never measure up to.  Granny, which reminds me of Teddy's mom Grammy, wonderful woman.  Lately there has been talk of calling me Gigi.  Please no that brings to mind an old woman in a mini skirt and gogo boots.  I kind of like mimi, but who knows.  It's just a name.  My email is Gingembre which is Ginger in french where my father's family is from.

My name is what I want to make of it.  It has been the name of many dogs, strippers, and a character on Gilligan's Island.  It seems to suit me just fine.  We'll figure out what the grandchildren will call me later.  As long as they know I love them what does it matter?

IQ

Last evening Emilee and I attended a Relief Society dinner/meeting with the theme "Marriage".  There we enjoyed dinner, a lesson and then a game.  The sisters in charge had given several husbands in our ward questionnaires, then their wives were called on to find out who could match their husband's answers.  It was very entertaining.

One of the queries went like this:  "Your husband was asked which of you is smarter?"  My first thought was my husband, then after a second moment I decided neither of us.  Sure we could take a test on a given subject and measure our knowledge on the subject.  But, how often when faced with a problem have we consulted with someone else for a fresh perspective or with more experience?  Have you ever had a child simply state the obvious in a way that was refreshing and mind tickling?  Has someone you know who doesn't operate well on electronic gadgets offered up a gem of wisdom? Abraham was shown the intelligences (us) before the world was organized and we obtained our physical bodies.  In my opinion intelligence is infinitely varied.

Back to the question.  Michael is by far the smartest.  He passed chemistry never opening the book, but by osmosis.  He can tell you the vin # of our first car.  He can reassemble hundreds of tiny pieces to make something that works.  Me on the other hand, have to study to pass a test.  I need to do something over and over to retain it and if I stop doing it for a month or so I need to start over. I do have unlimited curiosity and when boredom sets in I look for something to fill the void.  This is why I am KE7VZI,  have a CDL, love a good mystery and can work a paf program forwards and backwards, even trick it if need be.  Not bad for someone who is mostly computer illiterate.

I find it exciting to realize how much I don't know and how much there is to learn about and explore.  One of the best things is trying to see something you experience through someone else's eyes.  For me it's one way to stay humble and balanced.

Why?

My friend Reesa and I were talking a few months ago.  She was showing me how to slurp up my blog into a book.  Our conversation took a turn towards my thoughts on the things I had learned from pulling weeds in my yard.  She said maybe I should write them down and share them.  Well here we are.

In the 1980's I listened to J Richard Clark give a talk called, "The Value of Work".  In it he stated that as parents we should provide opportunities for our children to work and teach them the joy in it.  Well his talk stuck with me.  I really have wanted to be a good mom so I decided one of the types of work the children and I could do together would be to pull the weeds in the yard.  It would be easier to mow them down, poisen them, or just keep the ground barren without watering but I started this quest just from his few comments.

The last two years or so I have resorted to letting the boys mow the yard.  Last month I really looked at it and it was solid with weeds.  Sure it mowed up green, but the little sticky weeds were everywhere.  I had been feeling less motivated  or shall we say enthusiastic about life in general.  It was just a list of chores I was doing daily.  So I banned mowing and began to soften the dirt with extra water, then I began pulling the weeds.  The grass grew taller, and yes, this was August and it was hot.
I would stop and write down things I remembered with the children that I will share later, and then new quiet thoughts filtered in, I wrote those too. 

September 7th the weeds were all pulled.  Benjamin and I mowed.  Then we trimmed the edges, the trees and the vines untill it was some place that I love to drive up to now.  Still there are piles of stuff on the porch but I can see progress and for me that motivates me to keep going.

I'll probably never be a master gardener, and I only labor as I have strength, but I will keep trying, sometimes lagging behind, sometimes playing catch up.  (Yes I know this is one large run on sentence.)  This week though you will be hard pressed to find 10 weeds in the green of the front yard.

The Ramblings of Ginger K

This blog is to no one in particular.  It's just my thoughts, reflections, and experiences from my point of view, past and present.  Hopefully if you choose to read it you will learn from my mistakes and know how much I love each of you. 

 I want to start by saying, I'm no Molly Mormon.  I find that term demeaning.  Sure she and I may have similar loves and activites, but I'm just plain me.  My parents weren't sealed in a temple, they did not even stay married that long.  Very few of my ancestors crossed the plains in covered wagons or personally knew Joseph Smith.  My family chart has many lines that are broken or fragmented, but it is just a chart and they are all my family and I love all of them.  My parents are not perfect but they love me. Like them I also am not perfect but hope my family and friends will still love me just the same.  Though I'm not good at showing affection, I love them all deeply.  I love my savior, Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven, and I am grateful for the Holy Ghost and his sweet whispers and comforting assurances.

The goal is to share something each day, maybe you'd like to join me.  Your comments would be welcome.

Ginger (mom)